I have always notice that when it rains, bad stuff happens to me. Im not saying I hate the rain, I LOVE it! But somehow it spells out misgivings for me. Shit (and lots of it) always hits the fan. Im trying to cope for the fact that I may or may not talk to one of my friends at all anymore. Or being paranoid that they may be really pissed off at me. It could be both. I hate worrying. Im also dealing with shit with my dad. We're not even on talking terms anymore. I always avoid him around the house at all cost. I seriously need to move. Then theres the pressure of moving out or staying here. I feel like I should move out cause basicly theres nothing on this side of town anymore. But then again, most people I know live here. I feel more baggage is piling on me everyday. Its stressful goddamnt.

There are people I know who think they are too good to even talk to me. There are people even on myspace that wont even talk to me. I think that site is pretty overrated. I think thats what they go for is having large numbers in your friends list makes them feel better about themselves. They add people that would ask them to be thier friends and never talk to them at all. Its really sad to think society comes down to this. I have the urgency to just delete the ones that dont even bother to care or take the time.

I seriously need a life. WTF is wrong with me latly?

I really need to talk to Squee. Can't help but feel that she is really, really, really mad at me.

Need to stop being the nice guy. Its annoying the shit out of my ego.

Toodles

Whats worse? Never able to be loved or saying goodbye to a love one? I say both. Being never loved makes you in adecuate. Small and insecure. It makes you feel like the most ugliest person in the world and all you want to do is just dissapear. Saying goodbye is just torture. All the time, effort and your heart you put into a relationship, friend or lover is ALWAYS torture. I dont care who you are. You never value someone until you say goodbye. Then you wonder one day, what if something happen witht hat person? Would I be truly happy with him and I let him/her walked out of that door saying nothing??

And thats what I hate about my love life. Nothing but regret. Regreting not fighting for someone that you know is the one. They will always be the one. Yet, you lost them to someone else and you just end up hating yourself for it.

Fuck I hate crying. I hate knowing im always alone in the end. I really need to stop feeling.

shaking and nervous breakdowns are never good.

I said goodbye yesterday to one of the greatest friends in my life. I was crying and shaking at the same time when I was writing her a message. I should have told her in person but I dont know what I do with myself if I did. Sometimes I would do the wrong thing at the wrong time. ALOT. Too many things were good memories. I want her to be happy. I always do. and I need to let go to make her happy. I feel  like Im holding her back and that would be a crime.

One things for sure, They are always my friend no matter to what end. I promise you that.

Maybe we'll talk again under different circumstances. I REALLY hope so.

toodles.

Hmmm, where to start? o_O;;

Tis been a long time since I wrote in this cause there really isnt anything new to share. I have been feeling quite empty of emotions for the last two months or so. Im not depress, I just dont give a fuck anymore what happens. Like I would care less if everyone here in Vegas hates my guts. I would care less if someone were to tell me im less then nothing. I would care less if my dad starts telling me all of above. I would seriously knock that old fucker out. My friend Regina is ok these days, I still care much for her. But thats about it so far. I see her as a sister now, no more.

Then theres the things I dont find myself doing at all. Like despretly calling my ex in the middle of the night, or actually going out to party and doing stuff which I think is idiotic. I have always been the quiet. conservative boring nerd that everyone just ignores. Im not that important, yet I find myself not caring at all and just doing stuff like its the last day on earth.

Fuck, I hate taking the bus. Taking the bus home at 3:00 am makes you think. Thinking is not good for a pessimestic person like myself. Too much negativity builds up in your mind when your staring off into space. Kinda like trying to battle your demons in a way.

I know there are some of you out there that dont agree with me on this but thats how I feel whenever I think to myself about what goes on around me. Im just not a good person all the time but I try to live a good life. oh well.

Currently Listening Come What(ever) May By Stone Sour Orchids see related

I feel...like a great weight has been lifted off my chest. I dont know what held me back for so long but I feel somewhat like I had picked up my bearings finally. Cant really explain it much but just that I feel...content. Too much stress has been build up this year. Sexual, Work related, family matters, and even the little tid-bits of everything else has been delt with and solved. Hmmm...I might actually feel more laid back and just living life the way it is for a change this year. Hopefully I wont have to feel so afraid every year on cold lonley nights. It just dousnt matter anymore to me.

Well I have told just about every girl I had a crush on for so long how I felt about them. Got rejected, but thats ok. I dont have to worry about wondering what might have happend you know? I should enjoy my single life like it should be enjoyed. I should have fun seeing other people besides worrying if it could have happen. And since I havent had sex for 98% of my life, that dousnt matter to me at all either, at least I could actually save it for someone I really care for.

Work still has its quirks besides worrying if im going to get shot or not. In fact, if I was shot at work, I guess I woudnt really care. I mean, I do care in a sence, but I just dont care about being afraid anymore when I go out. People are people and its strange where you get help in the most unlikly of places. I accepted the risk when I go on duty and thats how its going to be when I find another profession or something or other.

I havent really talked to my dad about anything at all. I fact I keep things to myself from my parents all the time. I guess I really just open up a little more with my sister then I do with anyone else. She's the my biggest best friend there is because there really isnt anyone I could trust that much that often.

Idk...I wanna just live at the moment without risking everything I worked for. I wanna love, and I wanna have fun at the same time when I still have here on earth. It just makes sence really. Anyways, Im going to hang out and have some fun for myself. Im calling some people and forcing them to come out of thier holes and eat sushi damnit!! XD

Kareoke here we come!! WOOOOo!!!

Toodles! ^_^